I’m not one to partake in this country’s disgusting obsession with celebrities, but when it comes to the watches, and especially when it comes to the watch of Simon Cowell, I just can’t get enough of it.

If you don’t know who Simon Cowell is then my guess is that you have not been living in the past decade or so. This guy is EVERYWHERE! And when it comes to whether I’m in the “love him” camp or the “hate him” camp, I will freely admit that I really like this guy. This guy is really entertaining, witty, funny, charming, and just a class act all the way.

My guess is that he is not much of a watch fan, or much of a watch collector. Every time I should happen to see him on TV he is wearing the same one, but what a watch he wears. I just positively love the thing. Here he is wearing this mystery watch on an appearance of the British TV show Top Gear.

Now because the brilliant British car program Top Gear is one of my favorite TV shows, I know that Simon Cowell has got quite a taste for expensive cars (as well as some serious racing skills), so it wasn’t entirely out of left field for me to assume that the watch of this multimillionaire super celebrity would be out of reach of the likes of me.

But to my pleasant surprise, while this watch is of course expensive, it is not really that expensive at all. Us wage earners could probably pick this thing up with just 2 or 3 of our hard-earned paychecks, and what’s best is that we won’t have to sell our kidneys just to get one.

So what is this mystery watch I’m talking about? It is is this spectacular Chopard Mille Miglia:

Chopard Mille Miglia Mens’ Automatic Chronograph Watch Titanium Grey Dial on Black Rubber Strap 16-8407

Now for you racing dunderheads out there, the Mille Miglia (Italian for one thousand miles) was an historic race that look place in Italy for almost 25 years. There hasn’t been a Mille Miglia race since 1957, but Chopard’s official timekeeping of one of the events gave Chopard’s Mille Miglia collection its name.

Now for you watch dunderheads out there, Chopard may not be a name you immediately recognize, but it is a formidable brand indeed. As far as watchmaking goes it is easily within the same league as Rolex, IWC, Omega, and other such luxury marques. It is one of those brands where you pick up one of their pieces and wonder how they ever were able to make such a quality watch and sell it at such a price.

Whereas with Rolex you may feel as though you may have overpaid, with Chopard you pick one up and wonder where within the watch the “catch” lies. During one trip to the watch store I was able to wear one for a few minutes and was really quite taken aback. I love the contrast between the sub-dials and the dial, I love the big racing-like numerals on the dial, and I love how much the numbers on the dial of this watch remind me of the numbers you may find on a racing car’s instrument panel. The tire tread strap is an especially nice touch.

Personally this type of watch contrasts with my simple and functional taste in watches. In other words, too fancy for me, but I really love the look and theme of the watch. My taste in watches seem to change every day though, so who knows, maybe one day I will love this beautiful watch.

During President’s Day my lady and I decided to indulge my brother’s interest in serial killers by watching the 2007 movie “Zodiac.” As a movie it is just fine; It has actors, it has a story, and it’s got all that good movie stuffing that we all know and love. About midway through the movie though, I just so happened to be eating my popcorn and drinking my Tequila Slammer when something in the movie shocked and awed me, and if what the movie says is true, then the Zodiac killer got his name FROM A WATCH!!!

Just a little background for those who are not in the know: The Zodiac Killer was a killer who terrorized northern California in the 60’s and 70’s by killing people(obviously), and then by mailing out cryptic messages that bragged about his crimes and of which hinted to further acts of violence. The continuing appearance of this symbol has since been associated with the Zodiac Killer.

You can see the usage of this symbol in the letter below:

Now even though the killer is unknown officially, the movie strongly suggests the killer is a man named Arthur Leigh Allen, and if that is the case, this Zodiac Sea Wolf was the Zodiac Killer’s watch:

Now if you are thinking this watch was some sick watchmaker’s homage to a criminal, then you are dead wrong. This watch was made well BEFORE the Zodiac Killer ever came into existence, and it is the ONLY usage of both the name “Zodiac” and the familiar symbol ever to appear together in the whole of history. And if that’s not enough, the suspected Zodiac Killer actually OWNED this watch.

Coincidence?

I think not! The Zodiac Killer got his name and his infamous symbol FROM A WATCH!!!

Now immediately following the movie the watch nut in me did some research on this company. I had never heard of them before, but everything I could find about this company suggested to me that this was just another relatively obscure watch company making humdrum watches for the masses.

They do have a bit of a history, but in the opinion of this humble presenter, they basically have a 100 year history of mediocrity. To my surprise however, I found that this company is still around and they are still making budget-priced watches for the masses. And what’s more of a surprise, there is actually a modern-day Zodiac Killer watch, a modern-day Zodiac Sea Wolf, and here it is:

To be honest with you, I have never been so unexcited about a watch before. To me it just looks like another Rolex Submariner knockoff coupled with a touch of Seiko Monster knockoff. The few who have purchased this watch are probably unaware of the interesting history behind it, but if it is indeed history you are after, see if you can hunt down a vintage Sea Wolf and pass on this modern monstrosity.

BMW’s are driven almost exclusively by alpha males. I’m not talking about those teenybopper 3 series that all the rich kids drive, I’m talking about those big ugly 5 and 7 Series computers-on-wheels that all the alphas drive. I’m sure you know the type. They are the type of man who doesn’t care about the fact that their cars are as ugly as a baboon’s behind, they are the type of man who doesn’t care about the environment, and most important of all, they are the type of man who couldn’t care less about what other people think.

These men are cutting edge indeed. They love their big expensive BMW’s and all the stuff in it. Their ability to control the hardness of their suspensions is the 21st century equivalent of a gorilla beating on its hairy chest. Half the stuff in their cars they don’t need, but they love that it’s there; And when an alpha male shows that stuff off, it makes all us inferior males want to crawl back in the jungle in the hopes of mating with one of the females the alphas didn’t want.

These men are the pack leaders, they are the focused, they are the Illuminati, they are the men that all the women want to sleep with, and these are the men that all men aspire to be.

The watch of an alpha male? A Breitling of Course!

Breitling Breitling for Bentley Mens Watch A2536212/B686-970A

One of Breitling’s most famous models was called the Breitling Emergency, and like no other watch before it, it transmitted a distress signal to neighboring vessels should its wearer ever be lost at sea. (yes, that ought to do the alphas quite nicely) But since that’s no longer widely available I think they will be quite satisfied with this Breitling Bentley Motors T.

Despite the irony of it being named and made for those self-conscious Bentley drivers, the alphas will gladly have it, because while wearing a watch like that is literally like hanging one’s balls out in the open, the alphas have got the stuffing in the pants to back it up. And would you just look at the thing, it is SENSATIONALLY beautiful.

There are more numbers on the dial than in all the math books ever made, there are more hands on it than on a statue of Ganesha, and it is so complicated that one would need a computer programming degree just to operate one. I’m sad to say that your humble presenter is not worthy of this watch, but if you are one of the enlightened, one of the cutting edge, and one of the worthy, you will love this watch.

Sorry I couldn’t resist. Happy Valentine’s Day to all. Here is another picture I dug up of my tough as nails Seiko automatic Diver’s watch called the BLACK MONSTER. I hope you all have a love as strong as the love I have for my Black Monster:

Seiko Diver’s Automatic 200M – Black Dial – Stainless Bracelet

No it’s not what you think. Although it’s not far off, but… Oh never mind! This is the Seiko Black Monster I’m talking about here. It is a diving watch from the far east with a small but loyal cult following. Originally available only in Japan it has made it’s way overseas and your humble presenter was able to scoop one up. Without further adieu, here is my Black Monster:

Seiko Diver’s Automatic 200M – Black Dial – Stainless Bracelet

When I first picked this up I immediately knew why this watch is nicknamed the Black Monster. It’s big, it’s thick, and it’s heavy. (Hmm…) This is a big chunk of metal no doubt. It’s not the biggest Diver’s watch you will find, but for me and most people it’s more than enough watch. Its nighttime illumination is top-notch. It’s accuracy is unheard of at this price level, and I have a feeling this automatic watch will last many many years without the need for servicing. Here it is sitting on the wrist of your humble presenter:

Seiko Diver’s Automatic 200M – Black Dial – Stainless Bracelet

It’s big, it’s heavy, and it’s ugly, but I absolutely love this thing. The clasp is an especially nice touch with both push button and deployment adding two layers of security to the thing. The bracelet is super-solid and honestly I’m hard-pressed to find much of a difference between this and something like a Rolex Submariner. I suppose you won’t feel such a loss if you should happen to drop this thing in the ocean, but as far as I know, this watch is the best value, best bang for your buck. However you want to put it, it’s a steal. I love my Black Monster.

So there you are walking through a Macy’s or any one of your run of the mill department stores. You eat your pretzel and reflect on how much you spent when suddenly, by a whim, you just happen to stop by the part of the store that sells the watches. Maybe you are waiting for your husband, or your wife, or maybe you are single and have some time to kill and some cash to burn. Whatever the reason, here you are!

For all practical purposes you may think 100 dollars is too much for a Fossil and too much to spend on a watch altogether. You have that philistine thought, “Why buy a watch when my mobile phone keeps perfect time?” (You peasant you!) You look at yourself with a grimace and acknowledge that none of the rather pedestrian brands there really float your boat. You are about to leave when suddenly, in the corner of the display case, bathed with fancy lights and stood up with fancy watch stands, you see a brand of watches called MOVADO.

You may notice that the price tag is significantly higher, the watches presented there are fewer in number and greater in presence, and that when you ask to see one the salesperson is slightly reluctant to hand it over. It is indeed sad, but for many of us in these United States, this is our grail watch, the watch of which we may think, “Hmm… if I ever make some money in the world, this is what I’ll buy.”

Why is that you ask?

Because short of Rolex this is the only other luxury watch brand most of us know. The name Movado is pummeled into us as a prestige watch brand because out of almost every display case we see selling Seiko, Citizen, and various other “cheap” brands, Movado always stands out as being the Rolls Royce of the bunch.

I’ll lay it to you straight…

I do not like Movado watches. Most of them are just fashion accessories and they don’t represent anything I like about watchmaking. Most watch enthusiasts like me largely ignore them, but I will admit that despite their complete lack of practical things such as a seconds hand, date window, or even some simple hour markers, the Movado Museum Collection is a beautiful thing.

Movado Men’s Valor Tungsten Carbide Watch #0604773

Does this face look familiar? The answer is YES!

Most Movado watches have the EXACT same dial as this Movado Military. There may be several variations in color and case material, but few things have changed since the introduction of this famous face. Go near any middle to upper middle class area and you’ll see watches like these floating EVERYWHERE.

The name Movado, in the ever-pretentious language of Latin means “always in motion.” That may be true, but without a seconds hand it’s really hard to tell isn’t it? Personally, I like the Movado Museum Valor. You heard me, I LIKE the Movado Museum.  It kind of understands that in the modern world we don’t really need something as old school as the seconds hand.

It’s not as though anyone you know is going to tell you, “I need you down here in 2 minutes and 20 seconds,” and when was the last time you had someone ask you to time something so intricate that it even required a minute hand.  I also like the way it’s not afraid to be flashy.  This is truly a watch for the 20th century when just a general understanding of time is required, but if you need more, there’s always your Blackberry.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore Taiwan. I’ve never been there before but my girlfriend is Taiwan born and bred and she is a strong supporter of what is called the Taiwan Green Party, which is the Taiwanese National Party and home to the most fervent fans of traditional Taiwan. I support their politics. I have no idea what those politics may be, but because she supports Taiwan, so do I. She is fiercely nationalistic, and for her type of country-lovin’ Taiwanese I have the perfect watch:

Honestly I have no idea what the official name of this watch is since the only sites I’ve seen with this watch are written in characters I don’t understand, but I simply call it the Ball Taiwan Limited Edition. It is a little puzzling to me why Ball would introduce such a watch, but the marketing genius behind it is undeniable. I’ve never seen a country-specific limited edition watch, but I know tons of people with a very strong national pride. Make an India limited edition, or a China limited edition, and you have the formula to make BILLIONS!

It is said that a train crash occurred in American history because one of the conductors of that train had a watch that was 4 minutes slow. That prompted a man named Ball to found a brand of watches with unparalleled accuracy so that accidents like those could be prevented, and since then whenever anyone wanted to know the correct time they asked a train conductor in part because they knew he carried a BALL. Ball watches have been synonymous with accuracy and reliability ever since. The revival of the brand came as a whisper to me, and are still a whisper as they are very hard to find even online, but today’s Balls are known primarily because of their use of tritium gas tubes which result in superior nighttime illumination seen in no other watch brand.

Personally I’m wondering as to what prompted Ball to make a big divers watch for the generally smaller in stature Taiwanese population, but by all means: If you are fat enough, muscular enough, and if you can find the thing, please get it. If Ball made a South Korea limited edition, I would certainly consider it, but I’ll pass on this Ball.

Yeah, you and I are going to have a good time together.