Have you ever bought a diver’s watch and wondered as to the exact purpose of that exclusively left-turning ring doohickey surrounding the dial of your watch?

Well let me just say, if you feel stupid because you don’t know how to operate this thing, that’s because you probably are.

Seriously, even a monkey can do this:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

IS A MONKEY SMARTER THAT YOU?!?!

If you don’t know what I am talking about I’ll show you what I mean using my Seiko Black Monster:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

This is a typical dive watch, and if you’ve read some of my earlier posts you know that I love this watch even though it does weigh a ton. It’s got everything that a typical dive watch has got. It has luminous hands and markers, great depth rating, tough steel case and bracelet, rugged looks, and most importantly of all for the purposes of this tutorial, it has a diving bezel.

If you still don’t know what I’m going on about I have singled out the diving bezel just for you:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

Now as you see the bezel has minute (or seconds if you will) increments that goes up to the number 60. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that because there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in a hour, and the fact that a diving bezel is on a bloody WATCH, probably means that its purpose has got something to do with measuring time.

Well you guessed right genius, a diving bezel is used to measure time, and its purpose, diving of course.

I won’t bore you with the details of diving but the purpose of a diving bezel is typically for divers to time their decompression stops. You see, when a diver goes deep underwater they have to endure a great deal of pressure. Going down to great depths, however, is not quite the same as coming back up. A diver can get down to great depths relatively fast, but when coming back they can’t do it too fast or they might get sick or even die.

To overcome this, divers have to come up in carefully-timed stages, and in this situation a watch becomes as important a diving tool as a wet suit and a scuba tank. You ever notice how the increments on a diving bezel are different from the 0-15 minute position as opposed to the rest of a bezel? That is because the typical decompression stop for most diving situations is 15 minutes. Ever wonder why you can only turn the darn thing counterclockwise? That is because it is safer for the diver not to perceive a shorter elapsed time if the bezel should accidentally get turned after it is set.

Well now that you know a little more, it’s time to learn how to operate the thing.

Well here is my Seiko Black Monster sitting on the wrist of your humble presenter. As you notice the bezel is set so that the ‘zero’ mark is set at the 60 minute, or 12 o’clock position:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

Let’s just say we are underwater on a dive. Actually forget that! I want to use a more real-world situation, so let’s say we want to know how long it takes for my cake to bake. Disregarding the above shot of my Black Monster, the current time on my watch is 11:40, so what we want to do is turn the bezel so that the ‘zero’ mark, or the big triangle, is hovering right over my minute hand like so:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

So now that my bezel is set I just leave it there until I need it again. When my minute hand reaches 11:55 that would mean that 15 minutes has elapsed, when the watch hits 12:00 that would mean 20 minutes have passed and so on and so on…

Well I’m smelling a burning from the office oven so that must mean that my cake is done. I read my watch and it looks like this:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

Now pay attention. How long was my cake in the oven? Look at the time, it is now 12:18.

If haven’t figured it out at this point, than you have problems. Here is the solution:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

Main purpose of a diving watch is diving, but I suspect that diving bezels all across the world will do just as well timing steaks on the grill as well.

Well there you have it monkey. That is how you use a diving bezel:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

I am a huge fan of the TV series “Lost.” It is so unique in the fact that unlike most series, which are scripted from episode to episode, or in the case of shows like “24,” season by season, “Lost” has its entire series charted out so it plays out like a very very long miniseries. The twists have you going, “WHHHUUUAAATTT?!?” and the cliffhangers have you begging for the summer to pass so that you can sit down in front of your TV and get your next fix.

Well yesterday’s episode was business as usual, and there was actually a scene where one of the main characters trades a white dial Rolex Daytona for a gun. I think it was the stainless steel Rolex Daytona, but it could’ve just as well been a two-toned (Gold and Steel) model.

Either way, what a beauty:

Rolex Daytona Oyster Perpetual Men’s Watch White 116520

If you are unfamiliar with the premise behind the show “Lost” I won’t spoil anything for you but just to say that it is largely about a group of people stuck on a remote island in the middle of nowhere. In the show a Rolex Daytona was actually kind of significant in that it was a peace offering between two characters, but I’m here to tell you why a Rolex Daytona, while beautiful, is just as “Lost” on a remote island as the characters are.

First of all, the Daytona has a chronograph, which is good. You can use it to race sea turtles or maybe time how long it takes for the sun to get from one point of the sky to another. All good stuff, but I would imagine that having a date function would be even better so you can at least keep track of the days?

It’s pretty easy to tell that a day has passed by a big noticeable thing called day and night, but the Rolex Daytona has no date function to speak of so I guess you are just left carving tallies on a tree stump.

Another thing about the Daytona is that it is an automatic watch. That means that as the days go by the watch will become more and more inaccurate. The fact that it’s an automatic also means that after five years or so the gears inside will be so crammed full of gunk that it will be inoperable, and should you die or leave it alone for more than a couple days, the watch will stop and you will have no idea how to set it right again.

Well, all this talk has got me thinking as to what watch constitutes the perfect watch for such a desert island, stranded in the middle of nowhere scenario, and I concluded that it must have these characteristics:

1. Solar Powered – Even though I’m a watch purist and only have mechanical watches, a desert island watch would have to be a solar-powered quartz watch. Batteries die and automatics fail, so the obvious choice is a Citizen Eco-Drive because they are the best solar-powered quartz watches that I know of.

2. Metal or Rubber Strap – Leather is a big no no in this case. I need a steel or rubber strap that can take the knocks of desert island life.

3. Good Water Resistance – A watch with good water resistance means that it’ll keep out all the dirt and stuff that might get in the way. You ain’t going scuba diving so it doesn’t have to be that high.

4. Perpetual Calendar – Basically a function that can keep track of your months and days and also account for leap years is a good thing to have. Let’s you know what date it is at all times.

5. Attractive – You are going to have lots of time to be bored so you might as well have something nice to look at, just in case there aren’t any volleyballs around.

So what watch is the perfect desert island watch?

THIS:

Citizen Eco-Drive Calibre 8700 – BL8000-54L Gents Watch

As far as desert island living goes this watch has got it all. As long as there is a sun this thing should last longer than you. You can keep track of the date, and while quartz watches of course lose and/or gain time, it won’t be as bad as a mechanical watch. And as I said it before, what’s the use of time in the middle of nowhere?

It’s also got an alarm. What possible use it could have is beyond me, but it’s nice to no it’s there, and what’s more is that it’s really really attractive. Looks kind of like a Breitling.

I must’ve tried this watch on at least 20 times. You will find this in malls EVERYWHERE I guarantee. I love this watch, but because it’s not mechanical I just can’t pull the trigger on it, but if you plan on being stuck in the middle of nowhere, go for it!

The fear quakes in your knees, your heart races, you feel a strangeness in your bosom and your meager breakfast is on the verge of a full scale return…

What could possibly be going on you ask?

Well today my small steps within a Maryland courthouse translated into gigantic leaps in my life when I finally went ahead and picked up my marriage license.

As an event I equate it like getting alcohol rubbed on your skin before the big shot comes. The anticipation brought havoc to my stomach and my insides felt as though it were composed of mush, but once I got that little piece of paper I realized that it was no big deal at all and went on my merry way.

So driving to work were my immediate thoughts of the bright future I would have with my future wife? Or perhaps plans for the wedding?

The short answer is no…

I’m afraid that the watch nut in me couldn’t help but immediately think of what watch I want to sucker my friends and family into buying for me.

I’m pretty sure that it’ll be an Omega just because out of all the watches I’ve owned over the years my old Omega was the toughest and most reliable of them all. There’s no getting around it, I’m a huge Omega fan and love the huge majority of their model line and just love the years and years of breeding that goes into an Omega watch.

The choice was tough, but I’ve narrowed it down to a few watches I personally consider to be perfect:

No. 1

Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean – 2201.50.00 Gents Watch

I really like this watch a lot, and I think it is a perfect “marriage” of both the older Omega Seamaster design and the Rolex Submariner design. It is tough as nails, sleek, stylish, and just awesome, but that’s not all…

There is another reason I want this watch, and it is a stupid reason indeed. You see on the Playstation 3 network, the name I use to play Call of Duty 4 online is “planetocean.” I have defeated countless opponents with this name and have been defeated countless times myself, and it is getting to a point where I’m starting to feel pretty silly having that name without having the actual watch.

Yeah…

No. 2:

Omega Speedmaster Broad Arrow GMT – 3581.30.00 Gents Watch

This watch is perfect to me for two reasons: That being it is an Omega and that it has both a chronograph AND a GMT. And what’s more is that it’s from the Speedmaster line, so that means your watch was borne from the watch that Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and many other astronauts wore to the MOON.  Zounds!

On top of that I LOVE the red date, the color of the dial, and just the darn professionalism of the thing. I’ve never actually worn it so my opinion may change, but I fell in love with this watch the first moment I saw this.

Sadly I don’t think my friends and family like me enough to spend 5K on a watch for me so let’s move on…

No. 3

Chopard Mille Miglia Gran Turismo XL – 16/8457-BK Gents Watch

Lastly I was thinking this Chopard Mille Miglia Gran Turismo XL is the shiznit. It’s got the name of one of my favorite video games on the dial, I love how the dial is like the instrument panel of a car, I love how the power reserve indicator is like a fuel guage, and I especially love the tire tread strap.

This watch is in a class all its own!

To be honest with you I’m not getting my hopes up, my circle consists largely of criminals and pensioners, and that’s just speaking of my father. So you guys can relax, you ain’t got get me nothing.  I’ll just as gladly settle for a pint and we can consider us all square.

Not really sure where the red seals come from in a variety of products, but we are a sexually charged nation for sure and the origins of the aforementioned seems quite obvious to me.

Well, just as an FYI, in the watch world everyone love a virgin watch, and with Omega you know that you’ve got a virgin watch by the red dot on the case back as pictured below in my virgin Omega Seamaster Professional:

Omega Seamaster Automatic – 2220.80.00 Gents Watch

This means that this watch has not been opened and that the insides are intact. If you are looking into a secondhand Omega, look for the Omega seal of freshness.

Unbeknown to most of world there is a type of watch that can withstand the extreme pressures of the cold and endless deep. This type of watch will continue to work in extreme depths long after its wearer has expired, and as a marvel it is like a high-tech multi-million dollar submarine wrapped in a package no larger than… well a watch really!

This type of watch is known as a dive watch.

Like an SUV its original incarnations were purpose-built. In the mid 20th century there was an increasing demand for watches to be able to withstand certain depths and tell time accurately and legibly while doing so. The need for divers to accurately and reliably time their decompression stops, level of oxygen, etc. was soon beginning to mean the difference between life and death.

Touting features such as a unidirectional rotating bezel, big luminous markers, and usually beefy and rugged aesthetics, dive watches suddenly become popular amongst the non-diving crowd as being watches that made even fat middle aged accountants look like undersea cave explorers.

Here is an example of a great diver with a Seiko Black Monster belonging to yours truly:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

This is a very rugged watch indeed. I swim with this watch, I shoot with this watch, I play golf with this watch, you name it!

The perceived idea behind dive watches is that because it is capable of withstanding extreme depths, it is also just as capable at withstanding all the various harshnesses above the water as well, and with the divers I have owned over the years, I believe that to be absolutely true.

Another fan of the dive watch: James Bond, who has in almost all of his movies worn a dive watch.

But just like SUVs of the modern era, modern-day dive watches have gone beserk!

You see the reality is that many watches can handle all of things that an ordinary life may throw at us. Most of us aren’t Jacques Cousteau and most of us don’t really need a dive watch, but people seem to embrace the idea and adventurous aura that is associated with them even if they themselves are ill-prepared to tackle the depths their watches can withstand.

The era of useful mechanical divers is long gone though. Recreational divers and watch enthusiasts can certainly dive with them, but most professional divers these days use virtual computers with straps on them, such an example of this would be the Suunto D4:

Today it seems as though mechanical dive watches are less about diving now than they are about watch manufacturers constantly trying to one-up themselves on how deep their watches can go. And at this stage they have gone just completely insane.

I’ll give you an example with the IWC Aquatimer:

IWC Aquatimer Automatic – 3548.07 Gents Watch

Now you see, beyond 300 meters of depth you are pretty much dead, so my guess is that
the one THOUSAND meter depth rating of the IWC Aquatimer offers more than enough headroom for any diver. So who thought of THIS:

IWC Aquatimer Automatic 2000 – 3538.03 Gents Watch

Now this is the IWC Aquatimer 2000, and the difference between this one and the standard model is that this one can go TWO THOUSAND meters underwater.

Now in my mind that is like making a watch that can go to Mars and then making a watch that can go to Mars AND Jupiter. I mean sure it’s a great accomplishment, but what’s the point?!? You ain’t going to neither so why make a watch with capabilities no one can come anywhere close to reaching.

I can offer you another example with the Omega Planet Ocean, and for those of who don’t know, this is the most recent Bond watch, and you can see the larger rubber-strapped version strapped on Daniel Craig during the first half of Casino Royale.

Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean – 2201.50.00 Gents Watch

There’s no getting around it with me: I LOVE this watch. It is like taking all the things you love about the Rolex Submariner and combining it with all the things you loved with the previous Bond Omega Seamaster. It is a great watch indeed, but I’m afraid it is also guilty of carrying around some unnecessary garnish.

First of all, this watch has a depth rating of 600 meters. Human divers cannot go anywhere near that depth unless they are either in some kind of submarine or have long since expired. That’s not too bad though…

The most important thing is that the Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean, like many Omega Seamasters before it, sports a “helium escape valve.” See that funny looking crown at the 10 o’clock position? That’s the helium escape valve, and whether you love it or not it is a characteristic feature of most of the Omega Seamaster line.

So what does that thing do? Well in short, it’s a one-way opening that lets helium get out of your watch case.

You see, below a certain extreme depth that you will never reach, oxygen becomes more and more toxic and helium is used more for breathing than oxygen. Helium has a downside in mechanical watches in that its molecule is so small it can penetrate into your watch and then rapidly expand upon resurfacing. This can effectively pop off your watch crystal as well as damage other watch components.

Sure it works, but it’ll never be an issue since only professional divers will ever go so far, and I can tell you they wouldn’t be using an Omega Planet Ocean. So there you have it, the helium escape valve is utterly utterly useless.

In conclusion, as far as mechanical dive watches go, I absolutely love them. They are my favorite kind of watch and I will continue to own them and beat them up for years to come

On a dark and stormy day the freezing rain pummels you from all sides.  Water seeps into every orifice and there is no part of your person that is not absolutely covered in icy cold water.  You are a long ways from your car and you concede that there is the slight possibility of you catching a cold.  Your clothing and shoes turned to a soggy mush you look over yourself with a grimace to realize that there is only one thing on you that is completely unaffected by the fury going on outside.

That is… your watch!

It still looks clean and crisp, and as the water droplets magnify parts of the dial you think to yourself what a wonderful photo opportunity this would be if you were not on the very edge of survival.

Then… after 20 minutes  or so, you reach the golf course parking lot, get in your car, and drive home to enjoy a warm dinner and several cans of Juicy Juice.

No, I’m not describing an excerpt from a literary tale or from some Hollywood blockbuster, I am depicting a real life event that your humble presenter encountered some time last year.

So you may be asking, what is my point to all this?

Well on that fateful evening when hell reigned down in suburban Maryland, your humble presenter was soaked and shivering.  His nipples were hard as stone and his kneecaps had been turned to dust.  Being tens of miles from home there was one thing kept him sane:  the ticking of his watch! Seeing that little soldier just continuing to fight gave him the moral hope he needed to lift us his soaked golf bag and continue toward the exit. And when the weather turned even rougher, it was his trusty car that took the punishment while leaving its driver in absolute comfort and also soothing him with the gentle tunes of the French duo Air.

For me it’s not hard to understand why people can get so emotionally attached to things, because while the objects we get attached to may not have lives or feelings, they sometimes behave in ways that are human.  A car may not have a life, but it can soothe you when you need soothing and protect you from the harshness outside.  A watch may not have a life, but when you are under the influence of certain substances it can keep your sense of time in check.  When you are in a hurry you depend on it to just keep on working to give you the information you need, and so the list goes on: Soldiers can get attached to a certain gun that may have saved their life, a doctor may feel an attachment to a certain pen or stethoscope, a person may feel connected to their mobile phone or computer. etc.

You can tell me that a watch (or anything) is doing simply what it was designed to do, but with a mechanical watch it is more than that.  Watches must be cared for and they must be cared for gently much like you would care for a friend or a lover.  If you should neglect a watch for too long it will die on you as if dying of loneliness, and if you should abuse a watch it will pay you back by not working as it should, but if you treat it right, a watch will continue to work tirelessly for you.

Maybe hate is a strong word, but when it comes to the Bell & Ross watch company, I certainly do not have a great deal of love for them, and here’s why…

Well to start, the Bell & Ross company was founded in 1993 by two French DESIGNERS! And in here lies the first problem. Mr. Bell and Mr. Ross may have had some experience in aeronautic controls or something, but generally speaking designers are people more focused on form rather than function, they are marketers, they are people who pretend to write novels in coffee shops, and they are largely superficial and annoying.

That’s all well and good when it comes to making a vase or something that just needs to sit still and do nothing, but when it comes to complicated moving machines such as watches, I would imagine that one would prefer to purchase a watch that was made by actual watchmakers?!?

Well to get around the fact that watch entrepreneurs Mr. Bell and Mr. Ross didn’t know anything about actual watchmaking, their first watches were basically just rehashed versions of watches made by the German watch company Sinn.

Now Sinn is a fantastic watch company, and what I respect about Sinn is that their company builds watches with a purpose. They first started by building watches for pilots who required better performance out of existing watches of the era, and sure enough Sinn used their vast aviation experience to answer the call. Currently they have a variety of models that can withstand extremes in pressure, altitudes, speeds, depth, you name it! They are a fantastic watch company indeed and I respect them hugely.

Their partnership eventually ended, and now that Bell & Ross are now out on their own, they too claim their watches to be professional “instruments” designed to survive nuclear holocausts and the like. On their website they even claim to make watches for bomb squads. Well I would imagine that if a bomb did indeed blow up, whether or not the watch survives is the least of a bomb squads’ worries.

This all sounds a little silly to me, but they are not the first watch company guilty to market their watches as “professional” tools/instruments so I’ll let it go.

While this company may not make real professional tools, I can’t get over how tooled this company seems. To start, Mr. Bell and Mr. Ross are actually Bruno Belamich and Carlos Rosillo, and as you can see, “Bell” and “Ross” aren’t even the real names of the founders. I guess “Belamich & Rosillo” sounded too ethnic or something and the marketing department gave them a call? Who knows…

This company, furthermore, is officially a SWISS company. Now what’s wrong with that you might ask? Well considering the fact that the founders are French and that it acquired all of their watchmaking know-how from a GERMAN watch company, I would say it is their duty to found their company in Germany or France rather than revel in the high reputation that only Swiss watches enjoy.

Another thing with them is that their “professional” tools, or “instruments,” just end up looking like clocks one might pull out of a 1940’s WWII rectal probing machine:

Bell & Ross Men’s Watches Instrument BR 01-92 BR01-92-BLK-SL-PVD – WW

Yeah I get the appeal, it looks like some military clock, but this is the only trick Bell & Ross have got under their sleeve, and there isn’t really anything professional about this watch at all. It doesn’t seem to have a particularly high depth rating, as far as I know it isn’t anti-magnetic, it doesn’t have precise markers, and at around $4,000.00 it is so expensive.

This company also offers their probe clock with diamonds:

Yup… this looks like a professional tool to me… I can tell you that there are no Sinn watches with diamonds that I am aware of. Yeesh!

Where do Bell & Ross get the gall to price their watches so high? What makes them think in their short teenage history that they can price their watches to run with the big boys. Sinn watches cost a fraction of the price and you get so much more watch and so much more value.

In the opinion of your humble presenter, Bell & Ross is a company that was founded to cash in on the haute horology market. Their probe clock is an unique design I’ll give you that, but there’s no reason it should cost as much as it does. Watch companies should be founded by people with a passion for watchmaking and should not be started just to cash in on a very filling pie.

Not too long ago your humble presenter rolled over the quarter century mark and celebrated his 25th birthday, so to celebrate the occasion my beautiful fiancee presented me with this stunning new Hamilton Khaki King Automatic:

Hamilton H64455533 Men’s Khaki King Automatic Black Dial Strap, Free Shipping

I’m not going to beat around the bush, this watch is absolutely fantastic; And having it for just about a month now I have to concede that this watch is utterly flawless. I love how the dial has millisecond markers, I love the day/date display, I love how the numerals light up at night, I love the stitching on the leather strap, and above all I love how the accuracy of the watch is the same as the accuracy I got out of my much-higher priced Rolex.

I have always seen Hamilton watches at stores though and have always wondered where within the watch the “catch” lies. They are so affordable that I thought there had to be some cracks, but after having for just about a month now I’m pleased to say that I have not found a single chink in its armor.

I even took it down to the southwest with me on a recent business trip and I have to say that with that watch and with my beautiful fiancee at my side, everything felt just right. Here is a shot of this beautiful watch looking down from the top of the Hoover Dam:

Hamilton H64455533 Men’s Khaki King Automatic Black Dial Strap, Free Shipping

And even at breakfast it is just absolutely brilliant:

Hamilton H64455533 Men’s Khaki King Automatic Black Dial Strap, Free Shipping

I love this watch! And I can tell you right now that it will be a watch I will pass down to my future grandchildren should I ever have any.

Now for a little brand history, I will tell you that if you have not heard of Hamilton watches, than that’s fine, but whether or not you are aware of it, Hamilton watches are all around you. They may receive publicity by being peppered on the wrists of famous actors in countless Hollywood films, but what I’m interested in is how they helped build 20th century America. Hamilton may now belong to the Swatch Group, but make no doubts about it, Hamilton is an AMERICAN watch.

Along with Ball and other American watch manufacturer’s of the time, Hamilton watches were designed to be railroad grade watches, and that meant ACCURACY through and through. When a man or woman in 19th and early 20th century wanted to know the time, they asked a train conductor because he knew the score (or in this case, the time), and one of the watches they tended to carry was a Hamilton. Later on in the 20th century, however, they tended to be become more known more as military watches than anything else. Being slapped on the wrists of one million soldiers during World War II meant that the Hamilton watches were as instrumental to winning the war as the M-1 Garand rifle. Chances are that your grandfather or grandfather’s father has probably once owned a Hamilton. Chances are that in your granny’s house you may find one lying around. I have always equated Hamilton watches as being as American as apple pie. When I think America, one of the things I think of are Hamilton watches.

Furthermore, I have always thought that Hamilton watches represented watches that belonged in a different time. Their design and styling isn’t classy or sophisticated, it is just a style that is unique to Hamilton, and I’ve never known a style like it, and what’s more is that they are affordable and can be bought by anyone. Hamilton watches are worn when you want to escape your world somehow. Say you are sitting at your office (as I’m doing right now) and want an excursion. You can just look at your Hamilton watch and somehow transcend yourself to a different America, an America where things are simpler and where values were more true. Maybe I’m getting a little carried away here, but they are truly a magnificent watch, and I respect it hugely.

…there is NO need to show it off.

Truer words have never been spoken when it comes to the case of Patek Philippe. Patek Philippe is widely regarded to be the best watchmaker in the world, and I’m not talking about one of the best, I am talking about THE best watchmaker in the world.

For me, It’s not hard to see why:

When it comes to complications, no company is up to the challenge as much as Patek Philippe, and for those who don’t know what a complication is, it is basically considered to be a timekeeping function outside of a just keeping the time and date. For example: for a watch to account and adjust for various days in certain months AND to keep track of the leap year (a.k.a. perpetual calendar) is considered a complication.

And it’s not just the number of complications Patek Philippe tries, it is the complicated-ness of the complication that just makes them absolutely stellar. Whereas Rolex may make some silly 10 minute spaghetti timer and consider it a complication, Patek Philippe will chart the skies of Geneva so that on any given day you can see what the stars look like over Switzerland.

Here is one such example in the Patek Philippe Ref. 5102J:

“So what?” Mr. Joe Oneball from down the street may ask. “My Casio G-Shock can do all those things and more, what’s the big deal?”

While I will discuss the vast differences between mechanical watches and quartz/digital watches later, I will just say that while those different types of watches can essentially perform the same functions, they go about carrying those functions in COMPLETELY different ways, and that’s what makes the difference. So hang on Mr. Uniball, your answer is coming.

Another thing I hugely respect out of Patek Philippe is their almost obnoxiously modest styling.

To use an example from the car world I will use the Audi RS4. Now for those who aren’t that familiar with it, the Audi RS4 is basically a masterpiece high-performance version of the Audi A4 4-door sedan. But unlike similar cars in its price range it doesn’t really advertise its huge price tag. It has more tailpipes than the standard car and subtle “RS4″ badges imprinted on it, but that’s only because it needs it. I guarantee you that everything on an Audi RS4 has a purpose and there is nothing there that doesn’t absolutely need to be there, but here’s a question, would you want to buy one?

Audi A4 (starting at: $28,900)

Audi RS4 (starting at: $66,900)

I don’t know about you, but let’s say that I’m a middle-class American (which I am) who saves his hard-earned dollars in the hopes of one day buying a high-performance car. I may be well aware that the Audi RS4 is the driving equivalent of God on wheels, but where is the satisfaction of paying so much for a car if it looks almost exactly like every other cheap Audi on the road? I KNOW that it’s a quality vehicle and I KNOW I will absolutely adore it, but I just would not be able to get over that nagging fact that my 70 thousand dollar Audi looks like an Audi even my elderly mother would drive.

So what’s my point with all this car mumbo jumbo? It’s simply this, Patek Philippe is the Audi RS4 of the watch world. It may make watches that are as legendary and as brilliant as Pink Floyd, but if Patek Philippe were a band who performed on stage, all you would see are a bunch of acne-riddled teenagers in t-shirts and sneakers.

To offer another example, a tourbillon is a watch complication that is widely considered to be the ultimate watch complication. It is basically a rotating cage for the watch “engine,” and to watchmakers it is like trying to squeeze a battle tank in your kitchen If you were a watchmaker and could build a tourbillon, you were a member of the club.

So if I were a watchmaker who spent countless hours building a tourbillon, I would probably want to display it in a proud and noble fashion and would want all the world to see my accomplishment. I would actually display it a lot like in this Frank Muller Long Island:

But whereas Frank Muller is a relatively new watchmaker, Patek Philppe has been around for ages. They are so good that building a tourbillon that to them is no big deal, so when they build a tourbillon, they tend it to build it like THIS:

Patek Philippe are so obnoxious that they don’t even feel the need to show off, in this 10 Day Tourbillon model , what many other watchmakers consider to be the most difficult complication in all the watchmaking world. They are like the poker player that never shows his cards, and they are just so good they don’t ever feel the need to advertise, and what’s worst off is that Patek Philippe are well aware of it.

So there you have it, Patek Philippe is truly for a man who has everything. Tourbillon watches costs TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars, and if I saved my pennies for a tourbillon watch I certainly would want to show it off or at least have it displayed for all the world to see. I, however, am quite a long way away from owning a tourbillon watch so to focus more on my price range, if I spent big dollars on a watch, I certainly wouldn’t want it looking like THIS:

Patek Philippe Golden Ellipse – 3738/100J Gents Watch

This is the Patek Philippe Golden Ellipse. Would you like to guess what this watch costs?

To the untrained eye it doesn’t really look all that spectacular. Its case is made of gold, but one can get a gold-cased watch for much less than this. It doesn’t have a date or even a seconds hand. Its dial is a somewhat sickly blue. I don’t know what Patek Philippe calls it, but I equate it to a blue found on the cuff links of old English huntsmen who still use muzzle loading rifles. I equate it to a blue that once was brilliant and bright but has since faded, I equate it to a blue only found on antique chamber pots, and I equate it to a blue that is found in certain types of moldy cheese. To put it simply, this blue is disgusting, and i don’t like it.

So I was somewhat astounded when I found out that this costs… and are you ready?

16 THOUSAND dollars!!!

Patek Philippe may have some modest styling, but its pricing is anything but. Their “entry level” models are obscenely overpriced. For their more complicated models I can I maybe understand the pricing, but to put things in perspective, you can buy a CAR for the money you pay for that sickly blue dullness; you can buy several big-screen plasma TV’s, you can even buy half of Mongolia for that money.

Believe me, you don’t want to know how much their more expensive models costs, but I will share with you that Patek Philippe are responsible for the one of the most complicated, most expensive, and most desierable wristwatches ever made.

Behold, the Patek Philippe Sky-Moon Tourbillon:

This too has a tourbillon, and just like the 10 Day Tourbillon, it is nowhere to be seen. It has a sky chart on the back side, it has the most complicated of all complications, and even if you could afford the $1.2 million price tag, you could not simply walk in a store and buy one. This is a great watch indeed, but I’m sad to say that even if you had the digits, the small production of only 1-2 a year means that the chances of you owning one are as small as the chances of you ever seeing one in person.

But there is hope, Patek Philippe are also responsible for this beautiful classic, and for the same $16 thousand you spend on the Golden Ellipse, you can have this:

Patek Philippe Calatrava – 5127J Gents Watch

This is the Patek Philippe Calatrava and in my opinion it is the very definition of a classic. It is mind-numbingly beautiful and in the humble opinion of this humble presenter, one of the iconic watches of our lifetime. The Peking Man walked around the plains of Eurasia with a Calatrava on its wrist, you can find fossilized Calatravas among bones of dead dinosaurs, and in some old art depictions of King Tut, a Calatrava can be found on his wrist.

This is a fantastic watch indeed! And if you have the digits, Patek Philippe is the way to go!

After a long absence I’m proud to say your humble presenter is back.

I’m afraid though that I must share a travesty.  That being that while I was attending a convention for my company, I saw some wayward soul wearing a fake two-tone Rolex Submariner.

The bleeding heart in me knows that some day some watchful eye will spot the obvious forgery and the ill-intentioned wearer will one day be hugely embarrassed.