I don’t really follow basketball, and the watches of ballers generally seem to tread on diamond-encrusted monostrosities that most watch enthusiasts steer very clear from, but in the case of Kobe Bryant that is a very different case .

So what gave the L.A. Lakers a taste of class?

Well it seems as though on May 20, 2008 Kobe had a moment of generosity when he surprised each one of his teammates with one of these:

Jaeger LeCoultre Master Compressor Chronograph – 1758470 Gents Watch

Yes it seems as though Kobe had the realization that without his teammates he would not be in the position he was in and surprised each and every one of his teammates with a personally engraved Jaeger LeCoultre watch.

As a watch brand Jaeger LeCoultre are rooted deep in the watchmaking tradition and have a history that goes well into the 19th century. They are most famed for their Reverso series of watches and gets a ton of respect from your humble presenter.

My being a fan of durable watches able to withstand the next nuclear holocaust makes me pass on considering this brand as a purchase, but for now the L.A. Lakers have just ascended to a higher class. That’s for sure!

I’m not one to partake in this country’s disgusting obsession with celebrities, but when it comes to the watches, and especially when it comes to the watch of Simon Cowell, I just can’t get enough of it.

If you don’t know who Simon Cowell is then my guess is that you have not been living in the past decade or so. This guy is EVERYWHERE! And when it comes to whether I’m in the “love him” camp or the “hate him” camp, I will freely admit that I really like this guy. This guy is really entertaining, witty, funny, charming, and just a class act all the way.

My guess is that he is not much of a watch fan, or much of a watch collector. Every time I should happen to see him on TV he is wearing the same one, but what a watch he wears. I just positively love the thing. Here he is wearing this mystery watch on an appearance of the British TV show Top Gear.

Now because the brilliant British car program Top Gear is one of my favorite TV shows, I know that Simon Cowell has got quite a taste for expensive cars (as well as some serious racing skills), so it wasn’t entirely out of left field for me to assume that the watch of this multimillionaire super celebrity would be out of reach of the likes of me.

But to my pleasant surprise, while this watch is of course expensive, it is not really that expensive at all. Us wage earners could probably pick this thing up with just 2 or 3 of our hard-earned paychecks, and what’s best is that we won’t have to sell our kidneys just to get one.

So what is this mystery watch I’m talking about? It is is this spectacular Chopard Mille Miglia:

Chopard Mille Miglia Mens’ Automatic Chronograph Watch Titanium Grey Dial on Black Rubber Strap 16-8407

Now for you racing dunderheads out there, the Mille Miglia (Italian for one thousand miles) was an historic race that look place in Italy for almost 25 years. There hasn’t been a Mille Miglia race since 1957, but Chopard’s official timekeeping of one of the events gave Chopard’s Mille Miglia collection its name.

Now for you watch dunderheads out there, Chopard may not be a name you immediately recognize, but it is a formidable brand indeed. As far as watchmaking goes it is easily within the same league as Rolex, IWC, Omega, and other such luxury marques. It is one of those brands where you pick up one of their pieces and wonder how they ever were able to make such a quality watch and sell it at such a price.

Whereas with Rolex you may feel as though you may have overpaid, with Chopard you pick one up and wonder where within the watch the “catch” lies. During one trip to the watch store I was able to wear one for a few minutes and was really quite taken aback. I love the contrast between the sub-dials and the dial, I love the big racing-like numerals on the dial, and I love how much the numbers on the dial of this watch remind me of the numbers you may find on a racing car’s instrument panel. The tire tread strap is an especially nice touch.

Personally this type of watch contrasts with my simple and functional taste in watches. In other words, too fancy for me, but I really love the look and theme of the watch. My taste in watches seem to change every day though, so who knows, maybe one day I will love this beautiful watch.

BMW’s are driven almost exclusively by alpha males. I’m not talking about those teenybopper 3 series that all the rich kids drive, I’m talking about those big ugly 5 and 7 Series computers-on-wheels that all the alphas drive. I’m sure you know the type. They are the type of man who doesn’t care about the fact that their cars are as ugly as a baboon’s behind, they are the type of man who doesn’t care about the environment, and most important of all, they are the type of man who couldn’t care less about what other people think.

These men are cutting edge indeed. They love their big expensive BMW’s and all the stuff in it. Their ability to control the hardness of their suspensions is the 21st century equivalent of a gorilla beating on its hairy chest. Half the stuff in their cars they don’t need, but they love that it’s there; And when an alpha male shows that stuff off, it makes all us inferior males want to crawl back in the jungle in the hopes of mating with one of the females the alphas didn’t want.

These men are the pack leaders, they are the focused, they are the Illuminati, they are the men that all the women want to sleep with, and these are the men that all men aspire to be.

The watch of an alpha male? A Breitling of Course!

Breitling Breitling for Bentley Mens Watch A2536212/B686-970A

One of Breitling’s most famous models was called the Breitling Emergency, and like no other watch before it, it transmitted a distress signal to neighboring vessels should its wearer ever be lost at sea. (yes, that ought to do the alphas quite nicely) But since that’s no longer widely available I think they will be quite satisfied with this Breitling Bentley Motors T.

Despite the irony of it being named and made for those self-conscious Bentley drivers, the alphas will gladly have it, because while wearing a watch like that is literally like hanging one’s balls out in the open, the alphas have got the stuffing in the pants to back it up. And would you just look at the thing, it is SENSATIONALLY beautiful.

There are more numbers on the dial than in all the math books ever made, there are more hands on it than on a statue of Ganesha, and it is so complicated that one would need a computer programming degree just to operate one. I’m sad to say that your humble presenter is not worthy of this watch, but if you are one of the enlightened, one of the cutting edge, and one of the worthy, you will love this watch.