I don’t like watches with corporate logos on them.  I think they are pretty stupid.  If it were something like a mickey mouse watch that made Timex so popular, or something cheap, that would be perfectly fine with me.  But on luxury timepieces, I just don’t think they work.

Take for example, this Rolex:

No this is not a bad fake, this was an actual Rolex that Domino’s pizza commissioned for its highest ranking franchise owners, because of its rarity it is somewhat of a collector’s item, but I feel I have to ask the obvious:

Why, oh why?!?!

This watch looks so so stupid.  It looks as though it could be purchased at some sort of Domino’s gift shop while waiting for your pizza and buffalo wings.

Luckily, by the grace of whomever you pray to, Rolex no longer allows this kind of altering of their dials, and I approve that decision whole heartily.  I don’t think I would wear that Rolex  if I had a gun pointed to my head, but on the upside, if someone mugged you, I think the mugger would probably give your watch back because he would be shocked at the horror.

When it comes to logos on luxury watches nothing is more common than cars logos.  Because if you think about it, luxury cars and luxury watches go together like cheese and wine.  They both go way beyond the practical, and both owners of luxury cars and luxury watches spend those huge sums of money because they love them and they feel a passion for them.

However, no one that I am aware of has ever made a cheese-flavored wine or a wine-flavored cheese.  Why? Because the two, whilst excellent in itself, are better apart than together.  I feel the same way about watches and cars.  The two manufacturer’s should keep away from each other.  It’s alright for watch manufacturer’s to make clocks in luxury cars, I actually quite like that, but putting car logos on watches is so silly, and here’s why:

Let’s start with two watches that have done it right:

Panerai Ferrari Granturismo Automatic Mens’ Watch Automatic Stainless Steel Black Dial on Black Strap FER00002

And THIS:

IWC Ingenieur Chronograph AMG Titanium Black Dial Men’s Watch

These two watches, The Panerai Ferrari Granturismo, and the IWC Ingenieur AMG (for the Mercedes AMG cars), are exquisite, and while both watch manufacturers are technically Swiss , Panerai has always been traditionally Italian just as IWC resides in the most northern part of Switzerland and embodies largely German traditions.  I like these watches a lot as they embody the characters of the cars quite well.

The Panerai is a brilliant watch just as a Ferrari is a brilliant car, but it is also stylish and looks as though it could have only been thought of by the fashion-crazy Italians.  Similarly, the IWC Ingenieur AMG is a brilliant watch just as the AMG line of Mercedes cars are brilliant cars, but the watch seems cold and calculating when compared to the Panerai.  In the opinion of your humble presenter, that is exactly in keeping in mind with the engineering obsessed Germans and their technically brilliant AMG line of Mercedes cars.

I’ve never seen such lovely pairings of car and watch as in with these two watches, but there is a problem:

The problem is that while these watches are expensive for sure, they are not really all THAT expensive.  In other words, you don’t have to have a Ferrari budget or an AMG budget to buy one.  So that means that inevitably some guy you meet somewhere, who has a faint knowledge of cars or watches, is going to come up to you, admire your watch, and then inevitably ask if you’ve actually GOT a Ferrari or an AMG Mercedes.  If you wear that watch and don’t own the car then you will forever be destined for a life of embarrassment and a life of sagging your head to respond, “No, I don’t have the car…”

To me, a man wearing a watch like this is like a goofy teenager draped in Ferrari gear.  He has the Ferrari jacket, a Ferrari logo on his polo shirt,  and a Ferrari baseball cap.  He’s a fanboy for sure who likes to talk about how Ferrari can smash Lamborghini in a drag race and talks about the performance and the noise, but the problem is that he doesn’t actually HAVE one, nor has he probably ever BEEN in one, and eventually, after a while of listening to his nonsense you just want to tell him to shut the hell up.

I have, however, never come across a logoed watch as strange as this:

Girard-Perregaux Column – Wheel Women’s Watch

This watch is strange for a couple of reasons.  I know that it is a yachting team watch or something like that, but what a silly clash of styling.  You have a white leather banded watch, with a diamond bezel, yet you have the name of a software company on the dial and the name of a German car manufacturer.  Above all it’s the BMW logo, the makers of the most needlessly complicated cars in the world.

The end result is a watch that looks like it was either given away at a software convention or a watch you bought during an oil change, at some sort of BMW gift shop, along with the BMW aftershave.

The costs is what staggers me the most.  It is so INSANELY expensive I could not believe it.  Sure it’s got diamonds on it, but what kind of fan gear has a cost that is in the 5 figures?!?

Unbeknown to most of world there is a type of watch that can withstand the extreme pressures of the cold and endless deep. This type of watch will continue to work in extreme depths long after its wearer has expired, and as a marvel it is like a high-tech multi-million dollar submarine wrapped in a package no larger than… well a watch really!

This type of watch is known as a dive watch.

Like an SUV its original incarnations were purpose-built. In the mid 20th century there was an increasing demand for watches to be able to withstand certain depths and tell time accurately and legibly while doing so. The need for divers to accurately and reliably time their decompression stops, level of oxygen, etc. was soon beginning to mean the difference between life and death.

Touting features such as a unidirectional rotating bezel, big luminous markers, and usually beefy and rugged aesthetics, dive watches suddenly become popular amongst the non-diving crowd as being watches that made even fat middle aged accountants look like undersea cave explorers.

Here is an example of a great diver with a Seiko Black Monster belonging to yours truly:

Seiko Men’s “Black Monster” Automatic Dive Watch #SKX779K3

This is a very rugged watch indeed. I swim with this watch, I shoot with this watch, I play golf with this watch, you name it!

The perceived idea behind dive watches is that because it is capable of withstanding extreme depths, it is also just as capable at withstanding all the various harshnesses above the water as well, and with the divers I have owned over the years, I believe that to be absolutely true.

Another fan of the dive watch: James Bond, who has in almost all of his movies worn a dive watch.

But just like SUVs of the modern era, modern-day dive watches have gone beserk!

You see the reality is that many watches can handle all of things that an ordinary life may throw at us. Most of us aren’t Jacques Cousteau and most of us don’t really need a dive watch, but people seem to embrace the idea and adventurous aura that is associated with them even if they themselves are ill-prepared to tackle the depths their watches can withstand.

The era of useful mechanical divers is long gone though. Recreational divers and watch enthusiasts can certainly dive with them, but most professional divers these days use virtual computers with straps on them, such an example of this would be the Suunto D4:

Today it seems as though mechanical dive watches are less about diving now than they are about watch manufacturers constantly trying to one-up themselves on how deep their watches can go. And at this stage they have gone just completely insane.

I’ll give you an example with the IWC Aquatimer:

IWC Aquatimer Automatic – 3548.07 Gents Watch

Now you see, beyond 300 meters of depth you are pretty much dead, so my guess is that
the one THOUSAND meter depth rating of the IWC Aquatimer offers more than enough headroom for any diver. So who thought of THIS:

IWC Aquatimer Automatic 2000 – 3538.03 Gents Watch

Now this is the IWC Aquatimer 2000, and the difference between this one and the standard model is that this one can go TWO THOUSAND meters underwater.

Now in my mind that is like making a watch that can go to Mars and then making a watch that can go to Mars AND Jupiter. I mean sure it’s a great accomplishment, but what’s the point?!? You ain’t going to neither so why make a watch with capabilities no one can come anywhere close to reaching.

I can offer you another example with the Omega Planet Ocean, and for those of who don’t know, this is the most recent Bond watch, and you can see the larger rubber-strapped version strapped on Daniel Craig during the first half of Casino Royale.

Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean – 2201.50.00 Gents Watch

There’s no getting around it with me: I LOVE this watch. It is like taking all the things you love about the Rolex Submariner and combining it with all the things you loved with the previous Bond Omega Seamaster. It is a great watch indeed, but I’m afraid it is also guilty of carrying around some unnecessary garnish.

First of all, this watch has a depth rating of 600 meters. Human divers cannot go anywhere near that depth unless they are either in some kind of submarine or have long since expired. That’s not too bad though…

The most important thing is that the Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean, like many Omega Seamasters before it, sports a “helium escape valve.” See that funny looking crown at the 10 o’clock position? That’s the helium escape valve, and whether you love it or not it is a characteristic feature of most of the Omega Seamaster line.

So what does that thing do? Well in short, it’s a one-way opening that lets helium get out of your watch case.

You see, below a certain extreme depth that you will never reach, oxygen becomes more and more toxic and helium is used more for breathing than oxygen. Helium has a downside in mechanical watches in that its molecule is so small it can penetrate into your watch and then rapidly expand upon resurfacing. This can effectively pop off your watch crystal as well as damage other watch components.

Sure it works, but it’ll never be an issue since only professional divers will ever go so far, and I can tell you they wouldn’t be using an Omega Planet Ocean. So there you have it, the helium escape valve is utterly utterly useless.

In conclusion, as far as mechanical dive watches go, I absolutely love them. They are my favorite kind of watch and I will continue to own them and beat them up for years to come